Claiming London Page 10

  Tonight wasn’t about him. He could take care of himself later. For now, he wanted to concentrate on London. She was deep in subspace. He wasn’t sure she knew that or even if she’d ever gone there before.

  She was precious. He wanted to consume her.

  He couldn’t take his eyes off her for a long time, watching as she breathed steadily and leaned closer into him. She stopped shaking as she went unconscious, her body warming under his touch.

  Finally, he leaned his head back against the couch and stared at the ceiling. His world was truly a mess. He’d been living two separate lives in a way. While he’d been hell-bent on convincing this amazing woman they were meant to be together, he’d held his breath nearly every day, fearing that he could easily receive any crazy assignment in the world at work and disappear on her again.

  He couldn’t let that happen. For the first time in his life, he wanted out. He wanted to be the sort of man who was present for the woman he cared about. He’d royally fucked up his first marriage because he was never home, driving his wife to cheat on him from unhappiness.

  He’d been hasty when he’d returned from his last assignment, rushing to find London and begin the process of showing her how good they could be together. He’d known it was risky, yet he’d ignored that fact and gotten greedy.

  There was still no way to know if she would ever take him up on his offer to commit to him, but he’d been playing with fire. Surely after the scene they’d just done, she wouldn’t be able to deny their connection. And yet, he was no more available to be anyone’s partner in any capacity than he had been weeks ago.

  Yes, he’d applied for a promotion, an opening in the department that was rare and had several other applicants. There was no guarantee he would get the job. It was incredibly unfair of him to have so relentlessly pursued London like he had, before knowing if he could be the sort of man she deserved.

  Part of him had assumed it would take months to convince her to be his. There also hadn’t been any guarantees that she wouldn’t have moved on in his absence and found another man. The sense of urgency to find out at the first opportunity had been impossible to ignore.

  Once he’d found her unattached and still as unwilling as she’d been half a year ago, he should have slowed down. What was the rush? He knew the answer to that question. No way would he have risked losing her to another man while he waited for his job situation to sort itself out.

  Every time he watched her perform at the club, or even the few times he’d seen her outside the club, he’d grown more certain of his feelings. It didn’t bother him that she scened with other men. Once it became clear to everyone in Zodiac that he wanted them to keep their hands and dicks away from her pussy, he hadn’t needed to worry about that front.

  He quickly learned that he enjoyed watching her submit to other Doms. The occasional bout of jealousy raised its head, but only because he wondered if she could or would react to his touch in the same way she reacted to others.

  She’d proven that and then some tonight.

  That didn’t change the fact that she would still want to play with other men at the club. He would be open to whatever made her happy because watching her submit to others was almost as good as doing it himself. It didn’t have the intensity or the responsibility and afforded him the opportunity to watch her every reaction. The way she sighed and whimpered and squirmed.

  His dick got hard every time. If they ever came to a point in their lives when she could play like that with other people and then turn to him and fuck him with all the passion he watched build in her system as other Doms worked her over, he’d be a happy man.

  She moved slightly under his grip, and he loosened his hold, tipping his head down to catch her blinking her eyes. “Shit,” she whispered. “I fell asleep.”

  “Yeah. You were in a pretty deep subspace. Has that ever happened before?”

  “No.” She shook her head. “But then again, I’ve also never had so many orgasms piled up on top of each other that I lost count.” Her cheeks flushed.

  He smiled. “Hottest thing I’ve ever seen.”

  She rolled her eyes at him and pushed to more fully sit on her own over his thighs. “Don’t get cocky on me. It was smokin’ hot. Those glove things are amazing. Don’t look at me like you’ve won a prize, though. My mind hasn’t changed. It’s not going to.”

  He held his tongue, kind of surprised at her ability to so quickly revert to her I-am-never-committing-to-another-man stance. It took her only seconds to pull back and regroup. Impressive. Disappointing, but impressive.

  He mentally told himself that she was full of shit. She could deny her attraction if she wanted, but he wasn’t sure she was even convincing herself anymore. She certainly wasn’t fooling him.

  It was in his best interest, however, to agree with her or risk screwing with their amazing evening. “Understood.” He reached for her bottle of water and handed it to her. “Drink more. You’ll get dehydrated.”

  She wiggled an arm out from the blanket and took the bottle from him, tipping her head back to sip.

  He watched her swallowing, longing to lean closer and kiss her neck. He didn’t dare. She was pulling away. He would let her have this play, retreat back into her guarded self. For now. “You want me to take you home? I bet you’d like to curl up and sleep.”

  “That sounds like a good plan. You exhausted me.” She pulled the blanket tighter and sat up straighter before turning to set her feet on the floor.

  Pierce steadied her with his hands on her hips. He lifted his gaze when he noticed someone coming their way. It was Rex holding their belongings—clothes and toy bag Pierce had abandoned next to the bench. “Thank you. Appreciate it.”

  Rex set the stuff down on the loveseat next to them and nodded. “No problem.” He glanced at London, his words aimed at Pierce. “She was in deep. I figured it might take her a while to recover.”

  London swayed slightly, not as steady on her feet as she probably would have liked.

  Pierce had her, though, anticipating this problem. “Sit back down, London. You’re rushing.”

  She lowered onto the cushion next to him and hugged the front of the blanket around her. “Shit. You really got me.”

  “Indeed,” Rex responded. “I’ve never used the gloves myself. It was spectacular to watch. I’m not surprised you went so deeply into yourself. Anyone would.” He backed up. “You two have a nice night.” And then he spun around and left.

  London slouched back against the cushions. “I’m exhausted.”

  “I know. Let’s get you home.”

  London hadn’t been kidding. By the time Pierce had her inside her apartment, she thought she might collapse. Her knees had threatened to buckle several times. Luckily, he never released her, even in the elevator.

  She was well aware that he had gotten nothing out of their scene, and she wanted to rectify that, while at the same time completely unsure if she had the energy to do so. She also wanted him in her bed, his warmth wrapped around her, but asking him to stay would send mixed signals.

  Shockingly, as soon as they were inside her apartment, Pierce nodded toward her bedroom and said, “Let me help you get in bed before I leave. You’re still unstable.”

  She frowned, her gaze at the floor. “I can manage.” Why did it hurt that he had no intention of staying? There was no way she could suggest such a thing. It would be hypocritical of her to have her cake and so blatantly eat it too.

  But if he had proposed the idea of staying, then the weight of the implication wouldn’t have rested well with her. He did not, though, so she needed to let him go. There was no other choice.

  She didn’t even have the wherewithal to argue, so she let him lead her to her bed, strip her down to her thong, and tuck her in. He kissed her forehead, smiled warmly, and left her there before she could even begin to form a sentence in rebuttal. What would she have said anyway?

  Stay? I want you to have sex with me? I want you to sleep in my bed
? And then I want you to not call because it scares the hell out of me for you to get too possessive?

  She closed her eyes, burrowed farther under the covers, and rolled onto her side. Sleep didn’t come quickly, though. It hovered out of reach, her mind racing to make sense out of her life.

  Her independence was important to her. Paramount. Even though every single person in her life, including her counselor, was skeptical of the way she dug her heels in so deep, she couldn’t picture a different world.

  Louis had damaged her. Irrevocably. He’d removed her from society, forced her into a life of solitude that resembled an indentured servant, and abused her mentally and physically. She’d survived. She would not let him ruin her life. He stole five years, and she was reclaiming them.

  Who cared if she couldn’t commit to a job for longer than a few months or that she wanted to try every daredevil activity known to man or that she enjoyed the power of submitting to a Dom? Those were her choices. The thought of letting someone get close was suffocating.

  It was her life. No one else’s. She intended to live it her way on her terms. If she got bored of anything, she would shake it off and do something else. Hell, she would eventually get bored of Pierce.

  Right? She rolled onto her back and stared blankly at the ceiling.

  Damn Pierce and his persistence and patience. She couldn’t even come up with a reason to be mad at him. He’d waited for weeks to get her to go out with him. They’d had a perfect evening. Delicious dinner. Wonderful rooftop view. The best scene she’d ever submitted to at Zodiac.

  If she’d learned anything in life, it was that everything was volatile. It could change. People changed. They turned on you and hurt you and disappointed you. They tried to change you into whatever they wanted you to be. It wasn’t worth it.

  Maybe other people could meet a significant other, commit, and live happily ever after, but London didn’t think the risk was worth it. Not even for a man who had yet to show her a single flaw.

  She smiled at the memory of him standing by the restaurant door while she wandered around the edge of the patio. Maybe he did have one little flaw, but it was endearing. A grown man who was a detective and had once been a soldier, afraid of heights.

  How long had Louis spent luring her into his web before showing his true colors? Had it been after they were married and he’d removed her from her Miami home and friends to take her to Denver where he could control her every move and keep her from having friends or even human contact?

  She tried to remember when things went downhill. It was fuzzy because Louis had been manipulative. At first he’d hidden his abuse under the guise of being protective and possessive. It had seemed sweet. She’d thought he really cared about her.

  He would come into the bar already frowning at everyone around her. At first she’d found it adorable the way he so obviously wanted her for himself. She fell for it and let him start calling the shots before their first date.

  The realization stung. She flinched. It was true. He’d even gone behind her back and gotten her a day off work by speaking to her boss instead of asking her. Who did that? Why had it seemed sweet at the time?

  She rolled onto her side again, pulled her legs up tight, and wrapped her arms around her knees. How many times had she done this in the past? Hundreds. Thousands, perhaps. Five years’ worth of curling tight into herself to avoid his touch in the night.

  She’d worked hard to undo the damage, and here she was balled up like a scared mouse. Only this time she was afraid of herself. Afraid to let herself love again.

  She shuddered, well aware that what she’d felt for Louis had never been love. At first it had been infatuation. The early days that had seemed so glorious had really been her grasping greedily at something that wasn’t really there. A man who’d seemed to offer her the world. She’d thought she hit the jackpot. And she’d been wrong.

  Maybe the truth was that she didn’t trust her judgment. That made sense. After what she’d been through, obviously she lacked the skill to pick friends and lovers.

  But Pierce was not Louis. Not even close. Lumping him into that label was unfair and downright insulting. She knew that on a basic level. It was hard to accept it as fact, though. Hard to trust her instincts when they had so badly failed her in the past. Hard to take a risk.

  Because in the end, this was all about self-preservation and risks. Trusting someone again was a risk she wasn’t willing to take. Not now. Probably not ever.

  Chapter 12

  Pierce texted London the following day with a simple inquiry to make sure she was okay after the intensity of their scene. She’d responded that she was great, and he’d forced himself to leave it at that.

  He’d seen the hesitation in her eyes. The last look she’d given him before he left her in bed had been leery. He needed to retreat enough to let her think about their scene. It was one of the hardest things he’d ever done, considering he would rather get in her face and force her to see the truth.

  Work was also busy. The case he was working on didn’t require him to leave town or go undercover, thank God, but it did take up a lot of hours. It also served to remind him how volatile his availability could be when it came to relationships.

  Today he and his partner, Stacy, were staked out at a park where their perp, Roger, was known to meet kids to exchange money for drugs. There were several teenagers hanging around. They kept glancing up the street. Pierce was certain they were waiting. Roger never showed.

  Waiting for a crime was exhausting work, but it kept Pierce from fretting over London too much and gave her the space she so clearly needed.

  The timing of this particular assignment was good. It allowed him to work more reasonable hours and locally while he waited for the department to arrange interviews and move toward filling the opening. Without that position, he was no good for London or anyone.

  The stress of life tugging him in different directions had him pacing his living room most evenings. He might have pushed his hairline back a bit too, considering how often he ran his hands through his hair.

  On Friday, he went to Zodiac, having no idea what frame of mind he might find London in. He arrived late, as usual, but she wasn’t there. Rayne was in the entry area, and she eyed him quizzically until she realized he hadn’t been aware London wasn’t coming in that night.

  Rayne nodded toward the door to the main room, and Pierce followed her through to the back hallway and then the offices. Colin was on the main floor, so they entered his office where Rayne pointed at the sofa as she took a seat in one of the chairs.

  “Is London okay?” Pierce’s nerves had risen since he’d arrived. Rayne’s silence made his hair stand on end.

  “She’s fine.” Rayne was dressed as if she’d just come from work and hadn’t had a chance to change yet, which wasn’t hard to believe. She was a divorce attorney. She easily could have been with a client late or volunteering at a women’s shelter. She was in her usual business attire, professional, pencil skirt, blouse, jacket, pumps. Her hair was pulled back.

  “You made me nervous bringing me back here.” He leaned back and tried to breathe normally.

  “She’s working at Joe’s tonight. Someone called in sick. I spoke to her earlier.” She narrowed her gaze. “What’s going on with you two?”

  He sighed. “Fuck if I know. I’m trying to woo her like it’s the sixteenth century. I’m probably failing.”

  Rayne’s face changed from concern to laughing. “That makes sense. I saw you the other night. That scene was hot. You two were on fire. Everyone knows it.”

  “Except London.”

  Rayne waved a hand through the air in front of her, dismissing his assessment. “She knows it too. She’s just stubborn.”

  “You think?”

  “So, what’s your plan?”

  “You think I have a plan?” He was winging it day by day.

  “Why not just go for it? The flames you throw at everyone around here with your eyes are on
a boomerang.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” he growled.

  “It means you’re mad at yourself.”

  He jerked and sat forward. “That’s crazy. Why would I be mad at myself?”

  “Because you know you should go after her. Tell her how you feel. Push her to listen to reason.”

  He chuckled sardonically. “Has anyone successfully pushed London to listen to reason?”

  “Nope. But you’re the man for the job, and you know it.”

  “What makes you so sure?” It was interesting hearing how Rayne saw him.

  “I’ve known you for a long time now. You’re one of the good guys. One of the best. You’ve also made it clear that you’re willing to wait. It’s fucking romantic.”

  He laughed. “I don’t think London agrees with your assessment. I’m pretty sure she finds me annoying.”

  “She doesn’t. She just likes to tell herself that. Inside, she’s holding on to you with a tight fist.” Rayne sighed. “Look, I hate interfering, but I know London pretty well too. We’ve been friends since the moment she left her husband and let Colin bring her to me for legal advice.

  “She’s grown exponentially in the last months. The frightened woman who first came into my office doesn’t even exist. She’s strong and independent. She’s also lonely and won’t admit it out loud.”

  “That may be, but I can’t force her to give me a chance.” He threaded his fingers together and set his elbows on his knees.

  “Are you sure? It seems like you give her a bit too much space. When she’s with you, she talks about it incessantly for days. Then she goes back into her shell and mopes and complains about everything. Even though she tells you with words she doesn’t want more than she’s taking from you, inside, it hurts her when you don’t call for several days.”

  Pierce suddenly felt incredibly restless. He pushed off the couch and stood. The idea that he was contributing to her stress instead of alleviating it by his stance made his chest tight.

  The office was small, but he managed to find a way to pace three steps one way and three steps back. “If I called London, she would accuse me of suffocating her. If I don’t call her, I’m too distant?” His frustration mounted.