Hot SEAL, Red Wine (SEALs in Paradise) Page 12

  Her eyes widened.

  “You were raped, weren’t you? Someone fucking put their hands on you in that last week before graduation.”

  “What?” She was shaking so badly she thought she might collapse, but he held her up, pressing her into the closet and using his hips to steady her torso. They were both naked. It didn’t matter. It dawned on her how he might assume she’d been raped. She had to set him straight. “No.”

  He was shaking. A moment ago, he’d looked like he might kill someone. Now he was going to do it slowly, ripping them limb from limb.

  “Noah,” she screamed to get his attention. “No one touched me. I was not raped.”

  He didn’t believe her. He stared at her, his brows furrowed. Fury came off him in waves. His gaze darted back and forth between her eyes.

  She lowered her voice several octaves and set her hands on his hips. “No one has ever touched me besides you. I swear.”

  Moments passed as she waited for her words to sink in. His breathing slowed. His eyes softened marginally. He loosened his grip on her biceps. “Then what, baby? Tell me right now. What the hell happened?”

  She closed her eyes and leaned her forehead against his chest, drawing in a lungful of air, knowing that her life was about to take a turn she’d never wanted to witness.

  He pulled her into his arms, cradling her closer, stroking his hands up and down her back in a soothing gesture she did not deserve. His chin rested on the top of her head. And he waited.

  After the words left her mouth, she would never be able to take them back. He would hate her. She would never see that love on his face again.

  It was so overwhelming that she couldn’t stop the tears from falling even before she admitted what she’d done. She gripped his back. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know what to do. I was scared. I was so alone. You had the navy. You had your whole life in front of you.” She was sobbing now, gut-wrenching sobs that shook her entire frame.

  He tipped her head back, forcing her to meet his gaze. He was calmer now. In pain, but a different pain. The pain was for her this time. Because he didn’t know yet. “Tell me, baby. Whatever it is, we’ll get through it.”

  They wouldn’t. She knew they couldn’t. But she had no choice now. “I got pregnant.”

  He flinched, but he didn’t release her gaze. He licked his lips. “You… But we used protection. Every time.”

  She stared at him. “I know. But it happened anyway. A condom must have broken. I don’t know what happened.”

  A million emotions crossed his face, one after another: worry, anger, relief, concern, and then his expression settled on betrayal. “So, you just… You decided to leave me instead of telling me?”

  She nodded. “I thought it was best. You’d talked about joining the navy and becoming a SEAL for as long as I’d known you.” She rushed to continue. To explain the unexplainable. The horror of keeping this from him. “I knew you wouldn’t go if you knew. You had everything all planned out. Navy, SEALs, marriage, kids. In that order. You talked about it all the time. You deserved that tidy package. You deserved to head for the navy and find another woman who could fulfill that dream. I didn’t want to ruin your life because of some broken condom. It wasn’t fair.”

  He was still processing as she rambled. “Let me get this straight. You broke up with me, pregnant with my baby, and left home to have an abortion?”

  Her eyes shot wide. “No.” She shook her head. “No,” she repeated. “I never considered an abortion for a single moment. I wouldn’t do that. I couldn’t.”

  His eyes were wild, darting around the room and landing on her face. “Where is the baby now? Did you give it up for adoption?”

  She shook her head again. She was totally fucking this up. As she’d known she would if she ever had to tell him. “I had a miscarriage. At eleven weeks.” She let her face drop to the floor, the power of those words coming from her mouth for the first time in her life, draining her.

  She was consumed with grief for their unborn child even now. Perhaps more than she had been at the time. The words were out there, floating around the room. Sucking up the oxygen. Her knees buckled as she started crying so hard she couldn’t stand any longer or see anything.

  Noah let her slide to the floor. He lowered to sit on the bed in front of her. He was no longer touching her.

  She sobbed. Ugly sobs that came from deep in her soul. Pain she had repressed for fourteen years, never allowing it to come fully out because it hurt too bad to face it.

  When she couldn’t bear to cry in front of him any longer, she found the strength to crawl to the bathroom a few feet away, shut herself inside, and sit on the floor of the cramped space with her back against the door.

  Tears continued to stream down her face, but she was no longer sobbing out of control. She leaned her forehead against her knees, drawing them up tight, her arms wrapped around her shins.

  She cried for the child she’d lost and the man she’d hurt. She cried for the years she’d held back her grief. She cried for the wasted lives, ruined by her choices.

  She’d been so young. So afraid. So alone. She couldn’t tell him. It would have ruined his life. He would have stayed with her, given up his dreams, and resented her for the rest of both their lives.

  In the end, her grief undoubtedly killed their child. Her stupidity and pigheadedness. She’d taken her entire savings and left home, driven to a campsite where she’d gone several times with her family in her childhood. A place she’d known she could rent a cabin with cash and take some time to think.

  She figured she’d been nine weeks pregnant when she left.

  She’d known Noah had gone to boot camp a week after she took off. She hadn’t had a plan. She’d spent most of her time crying and lying on the small cot in the room. She hadn’t eaten enough. She’d had no appetite. Before she could pull herself together and figure out what to do, it had been over.

  Remembering that day made her cry harder again.

  The door to their room slammed shut, which meant Noah had left.

  She slid her body to one side and curled up on the floor. Naked. Cold. Alone. Again.

  Her worst fears had come to fruition. And it was all her fault.

  Again.

  Noah had stared at the door for a long time. He could hear her crying. He couldn’t bring himself to react, or care.

  Fourteen years. Fourteen fucking years.

  His chest was rising and falling with every deep breath as he reached down to grab a discarded pair of shorts from the floor and then stood to tug them on.

  Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.

  Why? Why the hell would she keep something like that from him?

  Why didn’t she trust him enough to talk to him?

  He paced the room, running a hand through his hair.

  Dammit.

  They’d had plans together. She knew he’d wanted kids. How could she take off with his child, his child, and not even tell him?

  How many times had they discussed their future together? It always included kids. Several kids. Fuck.

  He made his way to the open sliding door and gripped the frame, staring at nothing. He couldn’t think. A ringing noise had started in his ears the moment she told him she’d been pregnant. And then she’d rambled on about the reasons she’d determined it was necessary to leave him. Sobbing, gasping words about how a child would have messed up their plans. His plans.

  Why?

  Slowly he inhaled, letting his eyes close, as he finally began to understand what she’d said just moments ago. Navy, SEALs, marriage, kids… In that order. She’d known he wouldn’t do the first two if pregnancy had forced them to skip to steps three and four.

  She was right.

  She was also wrong. Wrong to take that choice from him.

  He couldn’t breathe. He needed to get out of that tiny cabin. So, he spun around and headed for the door.

  It took Ellie more than an hour to pull herself off the floor and reach for the sh
ower. She turned it on and crawled inside, not caring that the water was freezing cold. She huddled in the corner for a while on her ass with her knees to her chest again, and when the water got warm enough, she let it run over her, not bothering with soap or shampoo or anything.

  When she started to shudder under the spray, she turned it off and somehow managed to pull to standing, grab a towel, and wrap it around her.

  A glance in the mirror showed a woman she didn’t know. Her eyes were swollen and bloodshot. Her face was red and splotchy. Her hair was plastered to her head. She didn’t care. She didn’t even bother to dry off. She needed to climb back into the bed before she fainted.

  When she twisted the knob and opened the door, she jumped back so hard she hit her hip on the sink. A small shriek escaped her lips.

  Noah was sitting on the edge of the bed, inches from her. His gaze was on hers. Intense. She couldn’t begin to read it. But what was he doing there? He was wearing a pair of shorts now. Nothing else. His hair was a mess from running his fingers through it.

  “You left,” she pointed out.

  He sighed. “Apparently not.”

  “But I heard you leave.”

  “I wanted to. I tried to. But I couldn’t do it.” He reached out a trembling hand and grabbed her wrist, drawing her from the bathroom. He scooted to one side, pulled her next to him, and then wrapped an arm around her shoulders.

  She had no idea what to make of his reaction, so she sat stiffly, wishing he had left so she could mourn in peace.

  Suddenly, he dipped down, tucked a hand under her knees, and lifted her into the air.

  She gasped as he settled her in the middle of the bed, climbed up behind her, pulled the covers over them, and then held her trembling body with both arms wrapped tightly around her.

  Tears that shouldn’t have had enough moisture to form fell again down her cheeks. “Let me go, Noah,” she croaked out. “I need to be alone.”

  “Never,” he murmured in her ear. “Never again.”

  She cried harder, her body shaking. She didn’t deserve this kindness.

  He held her while she cried, eventually stroking her skin, brushing her damp hair from her face. She was shivering from being wet and cold. He did his best to stave off the violent shaking.

  “I don’t deserve this. Please let me go, Noah,” she finally pleaded again. “You should be extremely pissed right now.”

  “I am, but I’ll get over it.”

  She stiffened. Get over it? How was that possible? She hadn’t gotten over it in fourteen years. “I treated you horribly. I shouldn’t have left you. I didn’t know what to do. I made a rash decision. It was wrong of me.”

  “You must have been so scared,” he soothed. “I can’t imagine what that was like for you. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you.”

  She twisted her face to glance at him. “What are you talking about? I broke up with you. It’s my fault.”

  He shrugged. “I knew something was terribly wrong. I have to take some of the blame. I could have gone after you. Eventually I would have found you. Instead, I let my ego get in the way. I told myself if you wanted to break up with me, fine. I wouldn’t stop you.”

  “It wasn’t your choice.”

  “Of course it was.” He gave her a wry smile. “You were mine. Mine to protect and cherish and hold. I know we weren’t engaged yet, but we were in love. I knew early in our relationship that you were the one for me. There had never been a doubt.”

  “And then I dumped you.”

  He sighed. “But I knew you well enough to know it made no sense. You would never dump me. The about-face was too jarring. If I hadn’t been so hurt and angry, I would have realized it made no sense even with your excuses.”

  “I didn’t want to ruin your plans.”

  “I know, baby.” He cupped her face. “I know. I see that now. It’s going to take me some time to absorb it all, but bear with me while I process. I’ve only had an hour. You’ve had years.”

  She lowered her head back to the bed, no longer facing him, also processing this weird, unexpected twist.

  “Where did you go?” he asked. He had a right to know everything now.

  “To the cabins where my parents used to take me when I was a kid. I knew I could afford one for a while.”

  He kept stroking her skin. “How many people knew?”

  “No one. I didn’t tell anyone. When it was over, I went back to my parents’ house for the summer and then left for college. They knew something had happened to me. So did Karla. But I hid in my room and shut them all out. I’m sure I scared them, but I was adamant about never talking about why we broke up. I was crazed. And then I was numb.”

  He paused, and then he kissed her shoulder. She was certain she felt tears on his cheek as he leaned against her. His voice was rough when he continued. “Did you see a doctor?”

  “No. I took five of those tests. I knew. I didn’t need a doctor.”

  “How did you afford the medical care when you miscarried? Who took you to the hospital?”

  She sucked in a breath and twisted her face deeper into the pillow. Renewed sobs wracked her body. The most pain she’d ever felt dragged to the surface.

  “Baby…” He was in her space, leaning over her, pulling her so that she couldn’t hide from him any longer. He deserved the details. It was just so hard to tell them.

  “I never went to the doctor.” She hiccupped. “I stayed in that cabin for two weeks, scared out of my mind. I couldn’t eat because I was too depressed, and what I did eat, I vomited. I’m sure it was my fault the baby died. I wasn’t taking care of myself. I couldn’t keep food down. I cried all the time. I figured I was about eleven weeks when it happened.”

  He held her tighter, tears running down his face.

  She forced the rest out. “I woke up to the feeling of warm wetness flowing out of my body. It was the middle of the night. So much blood. I screamed, but no one heard me. The cabin was too isolated. My cries were too weak. I didn’t have the strength to move, so I just lay there cramping and shaking all night long while our baby flowed out of me. I knew I was losing a lot of blood, but I didn’t care if I died.”

  “Jesus, Ellie.” He cried out loud now, holding her and rocking her and crying openly. “I’m so sorry, baby.”

  “I lay there in my bloody mess for twelve hours before I managed to crawl to the bathtub and climb into it. The cramping was so painful. I couldn’t believe I was still alive. Somehow I managed to survive. I know now there was no reason I would have died from a miscarriage, but at the time it seemed like I’d bled to death.”

  He closed his eyes, but didn’t let her go. “How long did you stay there?”

  “It took me another day to have the strength to stand, and then I finally managed to eat something small. If I hadn’t been in the tub where I got plenty of water to drink, I might not be here. I was so weak. I curled up in the armchair and wrapped my jacket around my naked body for the entire first night. The bed was covered in blood, all the blankets ruined.”

  She sucked in a long breath and finished. “After a few days, my brain kicked into gear, and I managed to clean up the mess, stuff the ruined linens in a trash bag, and haul everything to the dumpster. I waited another few days before I returned home.”

  “Your parents never knew?”

  “No. When I got home, they knew I’d broken up with you because the entire town knew. I told them I had gone to the cabin to think and that I didn’t want to ever discuss it. They probably didn’t question my weight loss or how weak I was because they figured it was from mourning our breakup.”

  “That would make sense.” He wiped a tear from his face. “You are so strong and so brave. How did I get so lucky as to have the privilege of finding you again?”

  She pursed her lips and closed her eyes.

  “I know you feel confused and horrified and so many other emotions they’re impossible to put words to right now, but we’re going to get through this. I prom
ise you.” He laid his head down behind her, still stroking her skin.

  She fell asleep in his arms and slept fitfully. Every time she jerked awake, he was still there, holding her, soothing her. He even tucked one leg over hers. Enveloping her completely.

  He loved her that much.

  Chapter 14

  Noah stared at his sweet, precious Ellie for hours while she slept. The sun rose higher in the sky while he held her. He was a mix of emotions himself, but he went over everything a hundred times.

  It would take days, weeks, maybe months to fully process everything. He would have more questions. He needed to know every detail. He wanted to feel like he’d been there with her.

  His guilt wasn’t entirely rational, but he meant it when he said he was also to blame for letting her walk away from him. How many times had he painted their future all wrapped up in a tidy package with a perfect bow on top? He could imagine what she might have been thinking when she found out she was pregnant. Things weren’t going according to plan. They were so young.

  He would have dropped everything for her, and she’d known that. And it had contributed to her decisions.

  Yes, he’d been shocked and then incredibly angry when she first told him about the pregnancy, but then he’d come slowly to his senses. He wasn’t completely innocent in the unfolding saga. By the time she’d opened that bathroom door, broken and defeated, he’d been ready to catch her.

  And Ellie deserved to be caught. She had gone through all of that pain—physical and emotional—alone. She could have died. He could have lost her because he was too pigheaded to chase her down.

  He couldn’t imagine how horrifying it must have been for her to miscarry alone in that cabin. Bleeding. The loss of their baby bearing down on her like a lead weight.

  Ellie stirred several times, a nightmare grasping her in its clutches. He never let her go. Each time he kissed her temple and whispered words she couldn’t hear.

  Finally, she opened her eyes and slowly blinked at him.