Choosing Kellen Page 13

  “Nap?” I ask without thinking. I certainly don’t need a nap. I’ve been sleeping so many hours at night since I arrived that I have trouble falling asleep.

  “Sabine…”

  “I don’t need a nap, Sir. I’m not tired.”

  “You’re four.” He pats my head and stands. “And if you keep arguing with me, I’ll make you spend half the afternoon in your bedroom instead of a one-hour nap.”

  I purse my lips, but when he leads me from the room with my hand in his, I drag my feet. My instinct is to argue. As if I haven’t just promised myself moments ago I would be more compliant.

  Sure enough, after another meal strapped into the booster seat, Master Kellen leads me upstairs while I fail to keep my big mouth shut. “Master Kellen, I’m not tired. I won’t be able to sleep.”

  He doesn’t respond.

  “Please, Sir? Can I sit quietly in your office while you work? I’ll write in my journal and be good. I promise.”

  Still no response as we continue up the stairs and into my bedroom. Master Kellen unzips the back of my dress and pulls it over my head. He drapes it over the footboard of the daybed. Next, he pulls back the covers, lifts me up, and sets me on the bed. After crouching down to remove my shoes, he swings my legs up and lowers me onto the sheets.

  I’m wearing just my panties and socks as he tucks the covers around me. I’m also pouting.

  “You’ll stay in bed for one hour, little one. I don’t care if you sleep or not. You’ll still lie here for one hour.” He points at the clock. “It’s twelve-thirty. At one-thirty, you may get up, but you may not leave your room until I come to get you. You may read or play with your toys.”

  I push out my bottom lip like a toddler. I don’t want to stay in my room. I don’t want to nap. I don’t want him to leave me alone. I want to be with him in the office or outside or anywhere, but not alone in my room.

  He kisses my forehead and leaves me, closing the door behind him.

  It’s too quiet. It’s too bright. I’m mad at myself once again for sabotaging myself. Why can’t I be good? It seems like I’m getting worse. Every day, I’ve done something naughty. Today I’m on a roll, though.

  I squirm beneath the sheets, hyper aware of the fact that I’m not wearing much. My nipples pebble from the friction against the sheets. I try to lie still so that I don’t torment myself. I slide my hands to my belly and close my eyes, trying not to think about Master Kellen holding me.

  It feels so good when I’m on his lap or curled up against him or when he sets his hand on my thigh. I love the attention. Like he really wants to be near me. But he’s left me alone in my room now for I don’t know how long. And it’s my fault.

  It would be so easy to play with my nipples under the comforter or even slide my hand lower and stroke my clit. I’m tempted. I need the release. It would help me relax. I imagine the consequences would be brutal though. Even though I could possibly get away with touching myself, I would never be able to hide my facial expression from the camera as I got closer to orgasm.

  So, I thread my fingers together against my stomach and force myself to hold still. I’m far too frustrated to fall asleep, but I can use this time to think about what I will write in my journal next time.

  Even as I grow tired from the boredom, I don’t let myself sleep. I won’t give Master Kellen the satisfaction. If I really think about it, I don’t believe he has put me down for a nap because I was naughty earlier. He’s done this because I’m four today. I bet it was always in the plan.

  It’s my fault that I’m not permitted to leave the room until he comes back for me though. And my eyes keep getting heavy. I try so hard to stay awake, but eventually, I can’t fight it anymore.

  Chapter 15

  One week later…

  * * *

  Master Kellen

  * * *

  “Sabine,” I yell as she races past my office on her way down the hall.

  She returns to my line of sight and slowly enters my office, hands behind her back, head down.

  “What have I said about running in the house?”

  “Sorry, Sir.”

  “How many times are we going to have this conversation?”

  Her shoulders droop farther.

  “Go stand in the corner.” I point to the corner where she spends more time every day. As she shuffles her feet begrudgingly toward the corner, I watch her.

  I’m not sure what to do with her. She’s a conundrum. The first few days she tested me only a few times. Every day since then, she has added incrementally to her defiance. It’s perplexing because she has no rhyme or reason to her random acts. They come out of the blue.

  I try not to let it get to me, but I’m concerned about my ability to dominate her. Or hell, anyone’s ability, for that matter. She seems to get aroused easily and often when she’s in her little space, but she can’t seem to behave long enough to earn the pleasure I’d rather be doling out than spankings.

  I’ve considered the possibility that she isn’t suited to be a little. I tossed out that idea quickly. It would seem more likely that she’s simply bratty, which will make it easy to end this arrangement on Saturday as planned. I don’t want a brat.

  I’m constantly torn. As much as I find her sweet side endearing, I don’t care for her defiant side. I’m attracted to her physically. She’s sexy as hell when I get her naked and watch her squirm, though my opportunities to touch her have been few because she hasn’t earned my touch.

  I’ve considered the possibility that she acts out because she doesn’t want me to touch her. That idea floats through my mind a few times every day. There are littles who simply enjoy being young and don’t need anything about their roleplay to be sexual. I’ve tossed that idea out over and over too, because Sabine obviously gets aroused from my touch. Her body reacts beautifully when I bathe her, rock her, and when I tuck her into bed at night. She loves to be held and cuddled.

  It’s also possible she doesn’t like my rule that we aren’t going to have sex for these two weeks. Maybe having an orgasm without penetration leaves her more frustrated than not being granted that small measure of pleasure in the first place. I haven’t known women to turn down orgasms though. Hell, many would be more than happy if their other half would pleasure them daily without wanting anything in return.

  Why the hell is she so naughty though? She turns on a dime. One minute she’s sweet and angelic. The next, she’s breaking a rule and standing in the corner.

  I jump to another consideration. Maybe she likes to be spanked? Maybe she enjoys timeouts? There are definitely women who enjoy being spanked, and certainly some don’t derive sexual release from the spanking. But that makes no damn sense either, since she squirms on my lap and ends up panting and wet by the time I’m done.

  In the past week, I’ve dealt with running inside, cussing, whining, begging, and arguing. It’s exasperating, and it never ends. The girl is always contrite afterward to the point of tears. She gets embarrassed easily and lowers her head in shame at her actions. I don’t think it’s all an act.

  I’ve spoken to Julius and Roman about her and neither has had any advice to offer that differs from everything I’ve already tried. They’re as perplexed as I am.

  I really need to sit her down and dig into her brain and try to get her to figure out what motivates her. I’m not sure she knows. It’s like she’s trying everything, jumping around the map from good to bad every day at random.

  Chapter 16

  Sabine

  * * *

  “How’s it going?” Abby asks me when I sit down to talk to her on the phone. I’m surprised Master Kellen has given me my phone and granted me this call. I’ve been a pain in the ass all day today.

  He sat me down earlier and questioned me about my behavior issues, but I don’t have answers. It’s like I’m out of control and can’t stop making poor choices. Every day, I’m naughtier than the last, and I do this even knowing Master Kellen doesn’t like it.
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  Tonight, he has specifically handed me my phone and told me to talk things out with Abby.

  I’m sitting in the corner of the large sectional in the living room. Master Kellen is outside on the patio with his laptop, talking on his own phone. He told me he had a business call to make.

  I blow out a breath and pull my knees up under my chin. “I’m not good at this little thing.”

  She chuckles. “I don’t believe that. What do you mean?”

  “I mean I’m naughty. I can’t seem to stop myself. I disobey Master Kellen every day. I don’t want to. I tell myself not to. I give myself a pep talk every morning and leave my room resolved to be good. And then I’m not good.”

  “Maybe you’re a brat?” she offers. “Some girls are. Some littles thrive on the attention they get from being punished. Or maybe you enjoy the punishments themselves?”

  I chew on my bottom lip. “I don’t think that’s it. It’s strange. I’m so attracted to him. He’s the first man I’ve ever wanted this badly in my life. I’m humbled by the fact that he returns the sentiment. He could have any woman he wants. He’s fourteen years older than me, for heaven’s sake. But that’s attractive, too. And he’s kind and fun and sweet and giving and patient. And yet, I do something every day to ensure he won’t touch me. Not enough, at least.”

  “Hmm. What kinds of things do you do?”

  “I run through the house. I yell. I talk back. I cuss. I stomp my feet. I pout. I’m seriously the worst little ever.”

  She chuckles. “Sounds like your first childhood. You’re spoiled.”

  “But I’m not though, because I never get away with it. I just keep trying.”

  “Do you think you’re testing him?”

  I sigh. “Probably. Which isn’t fair, because I’ve known him ten days. Sure it’s intense, but he’s under no obligation to help me through this weird phase of mine. He volunteered for this arrangement, and I’m failing. I don’t know why I keep testing him. He’s proven he will punish me when I misbehave. We’ve discussed this several times. I get that it seems reasonable that I would need reassurance that I can’t get away with anything. Boundaries. It’s what I was missing from my childhood. I don’t need a shrink to explain that to me. I get it. But I don’t understand why I keep misbehaving, since he never once has let me get away with anything. I’m not worth all this effort. I’m not good enough for him. And I keep telling myself that, which only makes me feel worse.”

  “Sabine, that’s not true. You’re a wonderful person. You’re just going through a weird reality shift.”

  I chuckle without any humor in my tone. “This is far more than a reality shift. It’s more like an earthquake. Two months ago, I was a regular college grad heading to Seattle for a fun trip before entering the real world. Now… Abby, I don’t know who I am.”

  “And that’s okay. You didn’t really know who you were before you got here. That’s why you came. You were intrigued by my lifestyle and you wanted to experience it yourself. If you think about it, you were always interested in BDSM. You’ve mentioned it peripherally for years. This was your chance to try it out.”

  “True. But I didn’t expect to find something comfortable in living like a little girl. I didn’t know much of anything about this aspect of the fetish community.”

  “But then you met Lucy, and now you do know. And you can’t unknow it. It got under your skin. And you’re entitled to be whoever makes you happy. If you think you’re rebelling because you don’t like living as a little, that’s fine. You can end this arrangement. But, maybe your behavior is about something else entirely.”

  I rub my temples and close my eyes. “What might that be?”

  “Maybe you’re testing yourself because you aren’t willing to admit you enjoy this new world. That’s not hard to believe. It goes against everything society has taught you. Anyone would question their motives.”

  I nod even though she can’t see me. She has a point. If I decided I wanted to enter into a more permanent arrangement like this one, I would be bucking everything I’ve ever known to be reality.

  “But Sabine, I think it’s more than any of that. I think you really like Master Kellen. I saw the way you looked at him when you were at my house.”

  “I do,” I admit. “More than I should. I’ve fallen for him. Hard. And he’s not mine. He’s never once indicated he has any interest in seeing this thing beyond Saturday. That scares me. I don’t want to leave. I want to stay longer.”

  Admitting this out loud shakes my foundation, and I glance out the window to see Master Kellen sitting at one of the tables. He’s no longer working. He’s leaning back in the chair, relaxing, hands crossed at his waist, head tipped back enough to watch the sky. His ankles are also crossed. He looks so damn handsome and peaceful at this moment. I wonder if his brow is furrowed though. I cause that. Every day.

  “Do you think you’re testing him?”

  “I know I’m testing him, and it’s not fair to him. He doesn’t want this kind of little. He likes peace and harmony. He likes obedience. He deserves a sweet little who doesn’t act up all the time.”

  “You can’t make that decision for him, and you have to be yourself. If naughty is your nature, and it’s not something he wants to deal with, then you need to find a different Dom who likes that kind of little. But until you’ve discussed this with Master Kellen, don’t make decisions for him.”

  “I want to be good,” I whisper, almost more to myself. “I want him to smile at me and hold me and be pleased with me. I want him to want me.”

  “Sounds like you want to stay.”

  I draw in a deep breath. “Yeah. I do.” I groan. “I’m totally falling for him, and he can’t possibly return the sentiment. He’s said as much. And besides, I’m too young for him. He wants a woman who knows herself better.”

  “Come on. He hasn’t really said those things to you. I’m sure of it. You’re projecting.”

  She’s right. I pinch the bridge of my nose. “Yeah.”

  “Talk to him, Sabine. Tell him what you’re feeling.”

  “It’s hard for me to put it into words because I don’t really know myself. I feel silly.”

  Abby chuckles. “I don’t think I’ve ever known you to be uncertain like this. You’re always so in control of everything.”

  “That’s because I have to be. Who else is going to control me? Certainly not my parents.”

  “And therein lies the problem. You’ve finally found someone who wants to manage you, and you’re freaked out by it. He’s setting boundaries you’ve never had before. I think you need to ask yourself if you enjoy those rules and restrictions. You didn’t have them growing up. Now, you crave them. You’re testing them. Over and over. Eventually, maybe you will accept them.”

  She’s right. I know I like having someone manage things. It takes the weight off me that I’ve been carrying for years. But what if he only wants to play this role for a few more days and be done with me? And what if I never find someone else I’m willing to give that power to?

  I’m afraid to speak to Master Kellen because I’m worried about the answers. He has the power to break my heart, and I’m not ready for that.

  Chapter 17

  Master Kellen

  * * *

  Sabine is quiet after she gets off the phone with Abby. Pensive. I bring her upstairs and leave her to take a bath alone, but while she’s in there, I pace my room. I’m trying to remain calm, but it’s hard. This woman has me wrapped around her finger, and she doesn’t know it.

  I shouldn’t have fallen for her like I have. She’s all wrong for me. She’s too new, too young, too bratty. That list is short, but it’s heavy. On the flip side, she makes my dick hard every time I’m near her. She’s sexy and cute and adorable. And I’ve been over this list a dozen times. Why am I doing it again? It changes nothing.

  I’m concerned about her silence after her phone call. What if she’s decided she doesn’t want to stay with me anymore? What i
f she breaks our arrangement now and leaves before Saturday?

  I wish I could get into her head and know what she’s thinking. Though I also fear she isn’t certain herself. She waffles. Her behavior changes several times a day.

  It’s been ten days. In a way, it seems like it’s been ten years. There are so many things I know about her already, especially because we’ve spent so much time together. I know how she likes her eggs and that she prefers to dip her waffles into her syrup. I know that she’s ticklish behind her knees, but the slightest touch to the underside of her breasts will make her moan. I know that she’s an amazing writer. I read her essay about Wuthering Heights. It stunned me.

  It’s all the unanswered questions that make me nervous. I could ask her, but what if she doesn’t know the answers? Or worse, what if she tells me something I don’t want to hear?

  The door to her bathroom opens, and a few seconds later, she’s standing in our adjoining doorway. Her hair is damp and hanging in gorgeous auburn ringlets down her back. The pale pink nightie I left her is so thin that I can see her nipples through it.

  Already my cock is hard. I need her. I want to grab her around the waist, toss her onto my bed, and ravage her. But I’ve told her I won’t have sex with her this week. Besides, I’ve also only permitted her three orgasms in ten days. That’s how many of the days she went all day without misbehaving.

  “You might as well just spank me now for tomorrow and get it over with, Sir,” she says. Her voice is sassy, the sassiest I’ve heard from her yet. And her suggestion is equally shocking.

  “Is that what you want?” I ask, trying to read her.

  She shrugs. “I can’t seem to please you, so you might as well.”

  I draw in a breath. Apparently, we’re having this conversation. I would rather have it when she’s not in such a defiant mood, but here we are. “Come here, Sabine.” I lower myself to sit on the bed and then lift her onto my lap when she reaches me. “Talk to me.”