Choosing Kellen Read online

  “That’s bullshit. Just because she got herself into trouble most days doesn’t mean she wasn’t a little. I saw her with you. She was enjoying every moment. You were, too.”

  “She was a brat.”

  Roman sets his mug down and cups it with his hands, his elbows on the table. “Maybe she was testing you. Maybe she wanted to see if she could push you hard enough to end your agreement.”

  I glance away. “Why on earth would she do that?”

  “Because she needs to know without a doubt that you won’t leave her. That there’s nothing she can do that will ever be so bad that you turn her away.”

  I jerk my gaze to him. “Turn her away? What are you talking about? She pushed my buttons because she’s a brat and she craves the negative attention. She needs boundaries she never had as a child. She needs to know her Dom won’t waver on those boundaries no matter what. I don’t want to be that kind of Daddy.”

  Roman lifts a brow. “Okay, first of all, you’re admitting she’s a little in that speech. And I’m sure you’re right. All of that makes perfect sense, but Lucy and I went over there yesterday after she met with Quinten, and I feel like there’s more to it. I don’t think she simply wanted you to punish her. She was sabotaging things even further because she doesn’t think she’s good enough for you and you would eventually leave her. Sooner would hurt less.”

  I jerk in my seat. “She wanted me to kick her out?” That’s ludicrous.

  He shrugs. “Maybe not consciously. Probably not that moment. But, yes.”

  I stare at him, remembering she told me that all her boyfriends dumped her because she was too bossy and domineering. I informed her she wouldn’t be the boss in my house, but I hadn’t considered the scars she might be carrying.

  I ponder Roman’s words and groan inwardly. If Sabine defied me in order to prove I would leave her, then I’m an ass because I did just that, fulfilled her prophecy. Why didn’t I think of this possibility? “Shit.”

  “Don’t be too hard on yourself. She stepped over the line. I’m not suggesting she didn’t. She struck a nerve when she snooped in Stacy’s belongings.”

  “I left them out though.” Maybe part of me tempted her. Maybe I sabotaged things as much as she did.

  “That doesn’t mean she had the right to open the box. I’m just pointing out another viewpoint. I doubt she understood how strongly she might feel about you when she first moved in, but you set the parameters. You’re the one who told her it was only for two weeks. I bet in your mind you wanted more, but she didn’t know that. She didn’t realize how suited she would be to the lifestyle. Hell, I’m impressed by how fast she settled in.”

  I smirk at him. “Come on. Lucy was yours within hours of putting on her first outfit.”

  He laughs. “True. But not everyone is like that. Sabine was still quick to come into herself.”

  “And I would maintain she did not come into herself at all. How can you be sure about any of this?”

  “I can’t, but I do know she was a hot mess of tears and sorrow and remorse. She feels awful for what she did.”

  I’m not surprised by anything he’s saying. Of course, she spent the day with Lucy. She would have been the better choice over Abby. And Roman could have helped guide her better, also. Toss Quinten into the mix and apparently Sabine had a full day of soul searching.

  His voice is softer when he speaks again. “I understand it was wrong of her to go through your things. She might not forgive herself, but put yourself in her shoes. The box was there. It was tempting. She didn’t mean any harm. She was curious and then, Kellen, she was jealous.”

  I flinch. “Jealous?”

  “Of course. You have a shrine to your dead wife. She can’t compete with that. And she got carried away looking at the relics. When she saw the collar, she lost herself in the vision of what it would be like for someone to love her as much as you loved Stacy. She was crying so hard when she told me how she felt that I had to stop her several times for her to get it all out. She doesn’t think she’s good enough for anyone to love her like that. For anyone to collar her. She thinks she failed you and herself.”

  “That’s ridiculous. She was bratty, but that doesn’t mean she failed. She is who she is.”

  “She’s a little, Kellen. And I’m not sure she’s a brat. Even though she was frequently disobedient, I think it was because she needed someone to prove they would never turn away from her.”

  I groan and toss my head back. “And that’s exactly what I did. I sent her away.”

  “Yes. Not that I blame you. You were rightfully angry. You needed space and time. But now you need to talk to her. Air it all out. Really discuss your feelings. You two spent ten days together in a misunderstanding, both of you certain the other wouldn’t extend the agreement past the two weeks. In reality, you both wanted more.”

  I set my elbows on my knees now and tip my face toward the ground. It’s possible he’s got a point.

  “You have a lot to think about.” Roman stands. “I’ll let myself out. Call me if you need me.”

  I lift my gaze as he heads for the door. “Roman?”

  “Yes.”

  “Where is she now?”

  “Julius’s house.”

  I nod. “Thanks, man.” I watch him enter my house, knowing he will leave through the front door, and then I close my eyes and force myself to go over the past week-and-a-half in my mind. Was I really that dense?

  If Sabine is as disappointed as Roman insists, maybe I was too hasty. Not about yesterday. She was wrong to go through my things, even if I did leave them out. But, is it possible she might not be as quick to defy me every day if she felt like she was wanted and desired enough that she could relax and let down her guard?

  I need some time to think about this. It’s a huge step. If I go to her, I need to do so fully committed to bringing her home. Not for three days, but forever. If I bring her back into my home, I will never want to let her go.

  If I bring her into my bed, I’m certain that will be true.

  Even though she may have been acting out to challenge me, that doesn’t mean she’s prepared to stay in Seattle and change the course of her life. Becoming someone’s full-time little is complicated.

  She may think she would be emotionally damaged if I left her, but I would be devastated if she left me.

  Hell, maybe I’m the one with the problem.

  Chapter 20

  Sabine

  * * *

  I have no idea what time it is or how long I’ve been asleep, but when I bolt awake, I find Master Kellen sitting at the foot of my bed. I sit up so fast that I get dizzy for a moment, scooting back to lean against the headboard.

  I glance around the room, reminding myself I’m at Abby’s house. I’m in the guest room I used for a month before I went to Master Kellen’s house. I’m wearing a long T-shirt and nothing else.

  “Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you,” he says.

  “What time is it?” I have no idea why this is my first question, but I’m confused.

  “Three in the afternoon.”

  Geez. That means I wasn’t asleep long. I haven’t slept much in the twenty-four hours since Master Kellen told me to leave.

  I pull the comforter up over my chest. “What are you doing here?” My voice is gravelly from sleep and from crying. I’m a mess. I can’t remember when I’ve combed my hair, and my last shower was spent sitting on the floor of the enclosure sometime last night. I’m not sure soap was involved. Most of the moisture came from my eyes. Hell, I even cried because I was in a shower instead of a tub.

  “I overreacted.”

  I flinch and shake my head. “No. Really, you didn’t. I never should have been in your room, and I had no business snooping in your stuff. It was my fault. I ruined things. I accept responsibility. You can go on with your life now. I wasn’t a good little anyway.” My chest tightens as I speak. So much remorse. Not just for my behavior in his bedroom but for all the times I defied h
im blatantly for no reason. I can’t fix it. I can only learn from my mistakes and try to move on with my life.

  “I’m not going on with my life, little one. Not without you.”

  I gasp and blink at him. “What are you talking about? I’m a horrible little. You need a good girl. I did nothing but disobey you. You told me you don’t like girls like me.”

  “And what kind of girl are you, baby?” His voice is gentle, caring.

  I’m stunned. “The kind who can’t follow the rules. A brat.”

  He smiles. “Maybe, but I don’t think so.”

  I can’t breathe, let alone speak. What’s he talking about?

  He scoots closer and sets a hand on my thigh. “I spoke to Roman.”

  I lower my gaze. Of course he did. I can’t be surprised by that.

  “He helped me realize several things. The most important one is that you needed me to care for you unconditionally, and I failed you.”

  I jerk my gaze to his again. He failed me?

  He nods. “I should have realized that you were testing me.”

  “Why would I do that? It backfired on me. Every time I defied you, it cost me your attention. I was there long enough to know you wouldn’t let me get away with anything. I had no good reason to continue to disobey you. I don’t know why I did it.” I fidget, lowering my gaze and my voice. “I’m not good. I’m naughty. I’m not right for you.”

  Besides, it was a two-week arrangement. I knew the stakes when I moved in. It was never going to last longer than fourteen days. I shouldn’t have pushed him every chance I got as if I didn’t want to be there. It was stupid. I did want to be there. I really, really liked it.

  “Don’t ever let me hear you say you’re not good again. That’s not true. Nor is it true that you’re not right for me. That’s not why you were testing me, little one.”

  I widen my eyes. “Enlighten me then, because I’m not following.”

  His hand slides up to grab mine, and he threads our fingers together loosely. “I tried so hard to analyze your childhood and make sense of the way you were raised and apply it to us. It’s incredibly common for littles to crave something they missed out on. I was so wrapped up in thinking your defiance was because you needed boundaries, that I missed the most important thing you yearned for.”

  I grip the comforter with my free hand. I’m confused.

  “What you really need, little one, is for someone to never let you down. You need someone to be committed enough to stay through thick and thin.”

  I swallow, trying to internalize what he’s saying.

  “Think about it. You told me yourself that your previous boyfriends all broke up with you. They disappointed you and made you feel inadequate.”

  I bite my lip and then release it. “That’s crazy. You’re not even my boyfriend. This was a two-week arrangement. I knew that going in.”

  “Is that what you want? Do you want this to be over?”

  I squirm, but he holds my hand tighter. “No,” I whisper.

  “And how long have you known that?” he prods.

  A tear runs down my face and I swipe at it with my free hand. “Probably since the first night,” I murmur, embarrassed.

  He sets his hand down alongside me and leans closer. His voice is deeper. “I’ve known that long too, little one. Probably longer. It was stupid of me not to discuss it with you. I made you think I would also leave you just like the others.”

  I shudder and lift my gaze to meet his.

  He continues. “I was so wrapped up in your childhood that I failed to see there was more to it. I kept thinking about how your parents barely acknowledged your misbehavior growing up. And I don’t mean to blame them for anything. I’m sure they’re wonderful people who did the best they could. I have no doubt they love you to pieces. But you craved something they didn’t give you. Boundaries.”

  I nod. “We talked about that. We already knew I craved boundaries.”

  “We did, but I twisted things in my head and began to think you weren’t interested in staying with me, and therefore defied me, when that wasn’t the reason at all. You sabotaged our relationship because you thought I would leave you. You thought it would be easier if you got it over with. Didn’t you?”

  Another tear falls. This time, Master Kellen gently wipes it with his thumb. I nod. “I’ve been half in love with you from the moment I arrived. I was never, for one minute, not interested,” I admit.

  He smiles.

  I lower my gaze. “None of this changes the fact that I can’t seem to be good for you. I want to be. I told myself every morning that I would be good, and I never made it until lunchtime.”

  He chuckles. “That’s for sure, but I didn’t mind.”

  I jerk my face upward. “You did. You told me you wouldn’t tolerate that kind of behavior on more than one occasion.”

  He squeezes my hand. “That’s because I won’t tolerate it. You’re right. But it doesn’t mean I don’t want you. It means you’re going to get punished every time you misbehave. If I hadn’t spent the entire time you were there worrying about the fact that I was falling hard for you, knowing you were going to leave me, I might have been able to see the forest for the trees.”

  “I didn’t want to leave you,” I murmur.

  He smiles at me. “And I should have simply asked. I should have checked in with you at least every other day to see where you were emotionally. It was wrong of me to assume, and worse, pretend I didn’t care.”

  “Do you? Care, I mean?” I’m hopeful for the first time.

  “So very much, little one. I was wrong about a lot of things. I never should have insisted I couldn’t tolerate a brat, nor should I have made you believe my wife was somehow perfect. She was human. She made mistakes. We grew together.”

  “Did she defy you every day and end up spanked and in a timeout?” I know the answer to this already.

  “No, but you’re not meant to be just like her. You’re you. You have your own needs and wants. You’re not in my life to replace Stacy. You’re in my life to make it fuller and richer. It might take me some time to adjust, and I will make mistakes, but I’m here to plead with you to give me another chance.”

  Now tears run down my face, which is impressive, considering how many times I’ve cried in the last twenty-four hours. My lip trembles.

  He releases my hand and reaches for my cheek, rubbing away my tears with both thumbs before cupping my face. “I can’t promise you perfection or anything close, but I can promise you I won’t leave you. I’m not those other guys you dated. I don’t care if you are bossy and domineering. Instead of being offended, I’ll take it as a challenge.” He grins. “That doesn’t mean you’ll get away with it. You won’t. In my home, you will not be permitted to misbehave. If you insist on challenging me on this, I will assume you enjoy having a sore bottom and that you like the color of my walls up close and personal.”

  I chuckle at his joke. “I don’t like the color of your paint, actually.”

  “Then we’ll have someone come redo it.”

  I giggle now. “That’s not what I meant.”

  “I know, baby girl. I was teasing. What I’m saying is that I don’t think you’re a brat. Not the kind who gets off on being naughty. Not the kind whose only interest in our arrangement is the punishment side of things. I think you just need some time to trust that I won’t bend, and more importantly, I won’t leave. My rules are firm. The boundaries I set are not negotiable. You’ll follow my rules or you’ll be punished and spend a lot of nights squirming without the release you crave. However, no matter how often you misbehave or how hard you push me, I won’t leave you.”

  I drop the comforter and fling myself at him, climbing onto his lap and straddling him. I hold his cheeks in my hands. “Do you mean it, Sir? All of it? You’ll take me back?”

  “Yes. I mean every word. I want you in my home. I want you in my life. I want to explore your little space with you and watch you learn and grow.”
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br />   “I want that too, Sir.”

  He licks his lips. His face grows serious. “What about your family and your life plans? You hadn’t meant to stay in Seattle forever. I know you didn’t have solid goals yet, but I also know you’re close to your parents and intended to return to Cambridge.”

  I shake my head. “Honestly, I don’t think I would have returned, even if I hadn’t met you. I’m happy in Seattle. I would have continued to explore my kinky side at Surrender until I figured out where I wanted to fall in the BDSM community. I can’t do that in Cambridge. My parents would never understand.”

  “Won’t they be disappointed?”

  I shrug. “I don’t think so. All they want is for me to be happy.”

  “And when you tell them you’ve met a man fourteen years older than you and moved in with him? What will they say about that?”

  I chew on my bottom lip and consider his question. “Honestly, I think they’ll be fine. I’m not going to tell them all the details, but when they met, they fell in love almost instantly and got married within months. They can’t really judge my relationship choices.”

  He lifts a brow. “They might judge some of your choices,” he points out.

  I flush. What they don’t know won’t hurt them.

  He cups my face and kisses me reverently. So gentle, I almost cry again. “Choose me, Sabine. Come home with me. Give me another chance.”

  Of course I choose Master Kellen. It’s not a choice at all. “Yes. God, yes. And I promise to try to behave, and I won’t go through your things ever again.”

  He shakes his head. “I have no secrets from you. Go through anything you want. My home needs to feel like your home, too. If I tell you not to touch something it will be because it’s part of our dynamic, not because I don’t want you to know everything about me. I should’ve been more open about Stacy. She’s been gone three years. I have no reason to keep the memory of her like some sort of shrine. She would have been very disappointed in me for the way I got angry with you.”

  I’m choking up at his speech, but I still feel responsible for my behavior. It was inexcusable under any circumstances.